Non-Official Resume

Eventually I'm going to make a "video resume," which will basically be a 60-minute long montage of me doing awesome things like skydiving and winning a game of extreme shuffleboard.

And then it'll be like, JACKIE CHAN KARATE CHOP SMASH CUT TO BLACK.

JOB INTERVIEWER (V.O.): "Amy, what's your weakness?"

ME: "That's easy. Bullets and fire." And then EXPLODE into the credits.

Michael Bay, you can call me anytime.

So here's a conclusive list of moments that will never appear on my resume. Nor should they. I just need to prove to my adoring fans (all three of them) that I'm not some sort of flawless super-successful artisan of words.

• 6th Grade Spelling Bee Runner Up. As a youngster, I could spell "philanthropy" and "transcendentalism" while juggling an assortment of fruit and hopping on one leg while humming the opening theme of Pokemon. But I could not for the life of me spell "peculiar" for the win in the final round against this freaking eighth grader who got the softball word "coffee." To this day, I have not lived this down. I still have a blank silver medal hanging on my wall that I will eventually get engraved with the words, "THE PECULIAR STORY OF HOW I LOST TO A GIRL WHO COULD BARELY SPELL 'COFFEE.' NOT THAT I'M BITTER ABOUT LOSING OR ANYTHING.

  • *Note: I've since updated this blog post to note that coffee is apparently a challenging word to spell, especially to leaders of the free world who think there is a "v" in it

• Risk Champion. I don't mean to brag, but I've won every single game of Risk I've ever played. You know, that world takeover game? I'm the best. So if anybody wants to put up some cash for a game, let me know.

• Honorary Veterans' Day Parade Videographer. Every year my hometown held a Veterans' Day parade. I use the term 'parade' loosely because it's more of a bunch of people walking down the street with camels and the school band and these weird miniature cars that have nothing to do with the troops. I was coerced chosen to film this four-hour-long parade. And then edit it in Premiere Pro. Do you know how long it takes to condense four hours of footage into something where nobody is left out? And at the time, I had to do it during class because I didn't have access to the footage at home. So four hours of footage, edited 45 minutes at a time, including all the rendering... After that, I was a master at Adobe. And I discovered that I hate parades.

So there you go. All the anecdotes you never wanted to know about my life.

CRAZY NINJA JUMP CUT SMASH TO BLACK.